I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
