Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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