I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
