Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize