Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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