why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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