You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
