So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
