Have you finally orgasmed yet?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
