Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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