he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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