Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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