I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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