ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This is my gift to your gina
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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