On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
