mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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