Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
