Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
