five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
