Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
