Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
