yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
