dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
