her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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