you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
