this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
