Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
dude. I can hear the air.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
