enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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