Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
