I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
