I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she woke up with a sticky ear
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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