her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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