I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize