I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
