i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
