yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
