if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
