i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
