People with herpes should wear stickers.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
