Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
