I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
