id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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