Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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