and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
