I'm so fucking centered right now
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
