i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
