oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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