I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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