of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
