Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dear god my vagina.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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