I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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