got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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