he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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