Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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