I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
