If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize