a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I think my vagina is haunted
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
