Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
