i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
